Indiana: James 4:6

It's unbelievable that this semester is already coming to an end. I've been here for 4 months now and have to admit that I have found my place here. I thought I would never say this, but it's a bitter-sweet feeling to go back to California for the next 3 months. Of course, I absolutely can't wait to see my family and friends but I also found a sense of ownership/belonging in what God has brought me into here in Indiana. As for now, I'll be back in California during the summer for an internship (Even though I'm still waiting for them to get back to me. Please pray for my internship).

Well anyways, since there is only a few weeks left until Finals week, I'm probably going to be busier than ever before. So here's another post before that "study-like-no-tomorrow" train arrives (actually, if there was no tomorrow, I would just quit studying today hahaha). So God has been continually teaching me things and showing me His mercy and love even though I have been disobedient to His teachings many times. To be more specific, the desires of my flesh dominate the desires of the Spirit, which is a clear RED warning light that I need to seek the Lord even more. The funny thing is that when this warning light starts blinking in my life, I start giving in to the desires of my flesh more, instead of seeking God.

I think the root of this is pride. Oh, how I hate pride, yet I don't (my flesh). The desire of flesh tries to give in to pride in every opportunity it gets. One of my form of pride comes out through holding onto things and not letting them go to God. Trying to use my human knowledge and thinking I can resolve a situation without even thinking about what God can do. And sometimes it works, for the moment. Then I get even more prideful because I did it on my own! And then I find myself asking questions like... "Why do I need to pray for such little things that I can do on my own? Is it even worth praying to the Almighty God? He deserves "BIGGER" prayer request/problems than that, right?" How foolish I was to ask these questions because of my pride.

But God is STILL patient with me. He CONTINUALLY showed His love and grace to me until it came to a point where He had to humble me out of love. Even though it was out of love, it was very painful, yet humbling. On Wednesday, I had done nothing unusual and ate nothing different than what I eat everyday. But that night, around 3AM, I woke up with one of the worst stomach pains ever. I got up and ran into the bathroom to go #3 (If you don't know what #3 is... #1 pee, #2 poo, #3 another form of poo). That was just the beginning. I started feeling extremely sick and felt like throwing up so I grabbed a trashcan while I was sitting on the toilet. Then I started sweating like an iced tea on a summer day while I was feeling cold, yes COLD, with a throbbing headache. It reminded me of my mission trip to Kolkata, India 2 years ago and it was one of the most helpless moments I've ever faced in my life. I was considering calling a good friend of mine, but I realized something else. I realized that there was NO way this could just randomly happen to me except one of these two reasons:

#1 Spiritual Attack
#2 God wanted to humble me

So I started praying like my life depended on it (literally) and asked God to come and heal me. It was one of the most desperate prayers I've prayed. I sat on my toilet and I had completely surrendered myself to God because I had no other way/form of help. After about an hour, I was finally able to get myself to go back to sleep.

I woke up that morning as if everything that happened was just a dream. Felt absolutely fine. Felt no headache. No sign of fever, cold, or flu. Not a single pain on my body. I got down on my knees and started thanking God for the healing. He led me to Psalms 73 to tell me why He had allowed this to happen. 


From verse 2 it reads, 
"But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; 

   I had nearly lost my foothold. 

³ For I envied the arrogant    when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
   their bodies are healthy and strong. 
⁵ They are free from common human burdens; 
   they are not plagued by human ills. 
⁶ Therefore pride is their necklace

  They have no struggles "

Out of His love, God wanted to humble me. In Psalms 73, the writer tells us that these prideful people were super health and strong without any kind of illness or burdens and they have no struggle, which is why they are prideful. But 'God opposes the proud and shows favor to the humble' and God will humble those who don't humble themselves, like myself, because He loves us. It was an extremely humbling experience I had gone through and I thank the Lord that He had brought me into humility. I realized that God wants us to pray for everything and anything. Big or small! God is a God of the universe and the God of our personal matters. He wants us to depend solely upon Him. So let go of your pride and let Him take control. Take a step of faith. He's God!

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

Dear Jesus,

Hi. How are you? I hope you've been doing well. I just wanted to write you a letter since this Friday is the day that you died on the cross for my sins and then rose from the dead on Sunday. You're the man! Actually, you're beyond man! Well I have been through the routines and motions of Good Friday and Easter, but I honestly have not stopped and really thought about what that mean to me. But this year, it has been different. I decided to really take this Passion week seriously, reflecting upon what that truly means. And the more I dwell upon the idea that you saved my life from eternal death blows my mind. It's as if I was crossing the road and a car going 100mph was about to hit me, but you ran and pushed me away so that I can be saved and leaving you dead on the street. It's beyond that. I pray that this message would be more and more real to me every single day I live. I've been reading Matthew recently and have been re-learning about your teachings. As I was reading your teachings from Matthew, I realized that you really speak out of love. I can tell that you really know and want the best for me. And also, you've really been revealing many sins in my heart that you want me to put to death such as lust, worry, judging others, love of money, pride, lies, fear. Thank you for your revelation. I believe in the power of the cross. And I believe that you are working in my life every moment. I know that even my perseverance to fight against these sins is a work of God! So this Easter, as you overcame the death on the cross, I believe in faith that you will overcome and put to death these sins in my life. I want to be completely satisfied in your love so that I will not seek the temporary satisfactions of these sins anymore. Fulfill your promises as you promised in Psalm 63 says, "...your love is better than life (v.3) ... my soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods (v.5)." Thank you again so much for the eternal life you've given me. I really take that to heart and I am truly touched by your love. I sure hope this letter made your day! Bye now.

Sincerely,

Paul TJ Park

Indiana: I know my calling!

Wow, I haven't blogged in a month now. And there has been way too many things that has happened in my life in the past month and I don't even know where to start. I'll start out by sharing a few things that happened during my spring break. I was on spring break about 2 weeks ago and I got to spend some time getting to know the people in my small group at a deeper level. I really was encouraged to see them reaching out to me and see how much they care about me and I had the opportunity to build a deeper relationship with them over Spring break.

When school had started again, my relationship with my colleagues had also started growing at a much deeper level. They weren't just classmates anymore. I really started to open up myself and share at a deeper level and considered them my close friends. I found myself being my true self in front of them, not fearing or hiding anything. I found myself laughing out loud hysterically with these guys (You know, that crazy laughter I have HAHAHA!). And I thank God once again for answering my prayer request and bringing great people in my life here in Indiana. God is so good!

So over the past few weeks, God has given me opportunities to reach out and encourage some of my brothers and sister from back at home. And in particular, it was about the question, "what is my calling in life?"  And I have been wrestling with that question for years and years, ever since I've accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, the summer after I graduated high school. But about a year ago, God made it so clear to me what my calling was for RIGHT NOW of my life through the Word, sermons, and talking with many people in my life about this issue. Notice that I emphasized and bolded the words RIGHT NOW in the previous sentence, meaning... I still don't know what life calling for my future to be honest. But I do know what I am called to do today. Right now. 

What God revealed to me was SO simple and I've all heard it so many times, but it didn't hit me right away for some reason. I guess you can hear something a million times and understand it from your head, but you'll never be able to fully live it out until you truly understand it from your heart. Alright, you ready for the answer to that question? Here's the answer: it’s what you’re doing right now. I'm guessing some of you reading this is thinking... "that's it?" Or perhaps, you might even disagree with me. But I believe that where you are RIGHT NOW and what you’re doing RIGHT NOW is your calling for your life RIGHT NOW. For me, it's being a diligent Actuarial Science grad student at Ball State University in Indiana studying hard and being a witness to my colleagues with my words, actions, and attitudes. A year ago, it was being the greatest accountant I can possibly be for the Lord at the company I was working at, being a salt & light to my co-workers by working hard with diligence, integrity, and excellence.

Now, how will you carry out your calling? Will you be faithful with a few things that God has entrusted you? When you can be faithful in the small things, God will give you MUCH BIGGER AND GREATER things! Think about it… if you can’t even do the small things well, how can God trust you with bigger things for His Kingdom, right? Jesus says this in Luke 16:10, "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much ." So many times, I found myself worrying and wondering about what the big "life-calling" was for me, only to realize that I was wasting so much time thinking about this, not doing well with the small things I was called to do during that time of my life. God has a bigger calling for you in the future, but right now, you're called to do whatever you're currently doing.

And don't think what you're doing right now is not important or "too small" for God's kingdom. That's not true and it's exactly what God called you to do. Your calling already began. You are living out your calling every single day. It started the day you've entered this earth. Don't waste this golden time and opportunity. God has absolutely an amazing plan and calling for you in the future at HIS perfect time, beyond what you can imagine. 

There you go. That's my answer to the million dollar question, "what is my calling for my life?"

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  -Jeremiah 29:11-

Indiana: a simple reminder of grace

It's been almost 2 weeks since I posted my last entry so I think it's about time to update my blog. But I have no idea where to start because there has been so many things that happened. I feel like my schedule is getting busier and busier each and every day, which I think has both pros and cons to. I think blogging helps me organize my thoughts that are all over the place and helps me to see the big picture.

So here I go... Let's start with Valentine's Day. Even though Shannon and I got to celebrate Valentine's while she was here in Indiana, I still ordered flowers to get delivered to her house on the actual day. I also got her a "Valentine's Serenade Gram" that they were selling at my school, which is where one of the performing arts students (singers) sings a love song of your choice to your Valentine through the phone. I thought it was very creative so I bought one for her, which she thought was hilarious. Anyways, while we were skyping that day, I got a package delivered to my dorm and it was Shannon's V-day present for me. It was so sweet of her because it was exactly what I wanted! It had a iTunes giftcard, David Crowder CD, and the book, "Forgotten God" by Fracis Chan.

Sorry I don't know why the picture uploaded sideways.

I'm really enjoying the book, "Forgotten God". It's about the Holy Spirit and what the power of the Holy Spirit can do and I've been trying to be more sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I still have a lot to read, which I'm super excited about. I'm usually not a big reader but recently, I really enjoy reading before going to bed.

Last Friday night, one of the guys from my small groups hosted a game night at his place. I really felt like I needed this to get to know them better just through some fun and games. It was a wonderful fellowship time and I thank God for this opportunity. Shannon actually helped me to see this. She was telling me that sometimes that's exactly what you need in order to feel more comfortable with the group so that you can share at a deeper level since you have that trust established. I really do feel much more comfortable around them and starting to feel at home around them. Praise the Lord! 

God has been so gracious and loving to me everyday, even though I don't see it at times. He's been continually been sending people to me who have been such a huge encouragement to me. Last Wednesday, one of my classmates from my program asked me if I wanted to room with him next year. He a super friendly, nice, funny, and smart guy. He already passed 2 actuarial exams. When he asked me, the first thing that came to my mind was... why me? There are handful of other guys in the program that he's known longer than me who are just awesome guys, but I didn't understand why he had asked me. I really felt like I didn't deserve this, in some ways, because it's more than what I asked for. 

Through this, I was reminded of the true grace of God again - a gift from God we don't deserve. There is nothing we have done, nor can ever do to earn this favor. It is a gift from God. Not just the Valentine's gifts, gift of getting closer to my small groups/classmates, nor the gift of a roommate for next year, but the gift of eternal life that He provided through Jesus Christ. The saving grace. Thank you Lord for the reminder of your amazing grace. And also, thank you for providing me a roommate for next year, which I didn't even expect or ask for. I couldn't stop thanking God for His goodness and the verse in Ephesians 3:20-21 could not have spoken to me more clear than this moment, "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." 

Thank you, Lord!

Indiana: Get back up again!

I've been so busy with studying, school work, and church stuff. I haven't updated this in awhile AGAIN, but I finally found some time to update about my life here in Indiana. I don't even remember where I left off last time I blogged. I've definitely gotten a LOT more adjusted and used to the flow of things - people, weather, food. I've also got to meet some really awesome people from my church small group. In particular, there is one guy who's been such a good brother to me. He really had a compassionate heart towards me and understood how hard it was for me to adjust to the place and people here. So he frequently called me up to check up on me to see how I was doing and invited me to grab meals with him, go work out with him, or even just hang out with him. He's offered so much help and been such a huge encouragement to me. And there are even more people like him in my small group and I finally felt like I found the people I can trust and be comfortable around. My small group leader is also an amazing guy himself. I can really see that He loves God with all his heart. He's truly a man of God, who doesn't fear man. I thank God so much for teaching me many things from many brothers in my small group.

Well anyways, besides meeting more people and studying, Shannon actually came to visit me with Alice last Thursday for the weekend because Alice's friend (Erin) had a baby shower. I had an awesome time with her and we got to celebrate early Valentine's here since I won't be with her on the actual Valentine's Day. We also played Dance Central 2 at Erin's house, which was actually REALLY fun. I was telling Shannon that Joe would be really good at this game since it's not really about how well you dance, but how much you get into the game HAHAHHAA. Anyways, I also showed her around the campus and went around the city (even though there was literally nothing much to do hahaha), but it didn't really matter what we did because we got to spend some good quality time together. We also went down to Indianapolis on Sunday to hang out at the Super Bowl Village on Super Bowl Sunday, but it was really crowded and parking was $80-$100 everywhere we went. So we just drove around the village slowly and also the traffic served us to our advantage to have more time to look around while driving. 

After I took her to the airport and said goodbye, I felt extremely sad, to be honest. It was so hard to say goodbye and I felt really lonely again. But I realized that the enemy was really using this to bring me down again so I prayed and asked God for help. As I was reading the Word, God answered my prayer and led me to Psalm 34:18-19, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." God could not have given me any better verses to uplift my soul again than these 3 verses. I thanked the Lord for His goodness in my life again and I had found my rhythm again. The Lord has been so gracious and loving to me, especially since I've been here in Indiana. Even through the loneliness and being stripped out of my comfort zones, I really encountered the love of God. To be really honest, in the last couple weeks, I had experienced one of the loneliness and most difficult times in life. I felt like I was becoming more of a coward than I ever had been. My inner man was becoming weaker and weaker every day. I had so much fear, worries, stress, and anxiety. I saw my fear of man coming out of myself again, being so worried about what people think and say. Stressing over my future and career. Meaningless worries running through my head. I didn't even have any motivation to study or even eat. So I had absolutely no other hope than to turn to God for help. When I had completely surrendered and given up everything to Him, I suddenly had one of the greatest God encountering experience in that moment. I had realized that He loved me SO much during those times and wanted to completely break me only so that he can mold me and make me into a greater man of God. And I know that He is not done with me yet. So as I continue to strive and fight the good fight as I speak, I am learning to completely let go and let Him take control. But that doesn't mean doing nothing with my life and just sit there waiting for something to happen. It means following after the heart and will of God no matter how difficult it may be. It's not easy. I know that the enemy is going to do everything he can to stop me. He might even beat me down at times, but I'm going to get back up and keep running hard after God. It reminds me of the quote from Rocky Balboa, "... it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward."

Get Back Up - Toby Mac 

Indiana: God woke me up

It's been awhile since I last blogged, about 10 days. Well, God woke me up this morning at 5AM to pray. And after I spent some time with the Lord, I had some time left and I didn't want to go back to sleep so I decided to blog. A lot of things have happened in the last 10 days since I blogged. But I'll just write about how I'm doing physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Physically, I've been doing very well even though I haven't been hitting the gym as much as wanted to. I've been eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner pretty consistently with good balance of nutrients on the food pyramid. I feel like I'm getting bigger physically- upper body and my belly (which I'm trying to prevent). I walk a lot more because of my classes and living on campus. My body uses more energy to keep itself warm since its so ridiculously cold sometimes. But overall, I'm doing well physically.

Mentally, I'm starting to finally get myself to really concentrate and study for my studies. It was really difficult at first to get into this student mode again because I've been out of school for about a year and half. But I'm really starting to pick it up again, which is actually an answer to one of my prayer request. Thank you, Lord! But there are other worries in life that come up to distract me from my studies at times. God has been giving me discernment to distinguish what's from God and what's not from God. Whatever is NOT from the Lord, I rebuke it and pray against it because the enemy always wants to feed our heads with lies and worries. 

Emotionally, I could be doing better. I've been having a hard time adjusting here and finding a source of true comfort here. I got plugged into a small group at the church I attend and I've met some really awesome people, but the truth is that I miss my friends and family back at home. Just being with my close ones to be myself and laugh and share and say anything without worrying about being judged and having a good time. But I think this is part of God's plan of making me into a greater man of God. He's constantly reminding me to stop depending on my old comforts, but to take steps of faith into better and bigger things He has for me.

Spiritually, God is amazing. He's been continually been so gracious and loving to me in so many areas of my life. Always providing what I need here and speaking to me everywhere I go. I see God's love and signs and movement constantly in my life, and I pray that He would continue to deepen my intimacy with Him. He's been really good to me. Really. And I realized that it all started with something SO simple that we all know and heard about- our daily devotional time with Him. I've been getting so deeply rooted in the Word lately and it's amazing how God has been speaking to me through the Word. There are times when I just cannot believe what I just read and how He spoke to me. I literally just stop reading and find myself in complete speechlessness and in awe of Him. And then I gladly go on my knees to pray. I give Him all the glory and honor and praise and worship that He deserves, first before anything. Then I pray for the other things. But it's not anything elegant or graceful, but what's real in my heart and mind, as if I'm talking with a close friend (with more reverence of course haha). And then I sit there and listen. Sometimes He gives me a picture of a person, thing, or location. Sometimes I see a word in my head. Sometimes, I don't hear or see anything, but those are the times when my faith is stretched to the fullest because I still believe that He's right there listening to me. 

Lord, there is not enough words that I can speak to describe how great and amazing You are. Thank you for being so faithful to me, when I was so faithless. Thank you for your grace and love. I ask that you would continue to grant me a greater understanding of how deep, wide, and long Your love is because it's beyond our knowledge and control. It's something you can only give us. Continue to strengthen my inner man so that I may live for You and You alone, not men. I love you God. I really do. Break me. Mold me. Use me. I pray all these things in Jesus name, Amen.

Indiana: It's snowing!

I can't believe it's already been over a week since I've been here in Indiana. Things have been good here. I've been meeting more really awesome people from my Actuarial Science program. I noticed that these guys are very selfless and helpful to one another. They genuinely wish the best for each other in the Actuarial career and exams and they do whatever they can to help each other succeed. It was extremely encouraging to see this kind of selflessness and I believe this is the key to thrive and excel in our Actuarial career.

Well anyways, it's been snowing a lot here since yesterday and forecast shows there are more to come! I'm beyond excited for more snow to come because it doesn't snow in Orange County. I woke up this morning and opened my curtain to see this:

This is the view from my dorm window. I'm on the 10th floor so I actually get a good view! :)












After class, I came back to my dorm to get some breakfast. I was in the shop for at least 30 minutes because I didn't know what to eat for breakfast. Finally, I picked out cereal (Raisin Bran), 2% reduced fat milk, chocolate chip muffin, and a kiwi. I ate the cereal & milk with the muffin first. Then I took the kiwi out and wanted to eat it but I wasn't quite sure how to cut it. So I went on Youtube and found a "How To Cut Kiwi" video made by some old Koala looking chef which I thought was hilarious. Check it out. So I followed what he said in the video and cut my kiwi. The only difference between mine and the guy from the video was that I ate mine in one bite without cutting them into pieces. Sorry, Mr. Koala! :)

Enough baloney. Let's get to real blogging. I started reading the bible more, frankly because my girlfriend asked me to since I'm so lonely, but God is good. He's been speaking to me so clearly and directly through the Word and it's been a long time since I've encountered Him in this way. And I also started reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan again and in the beginning of the chapter, he tells us to go to the website to see the Awe Factor of God video. I was looking at some more videos from his website and came across a video that really caught my attention. He was talking about how he met a girl during a conference who seemed so passionate every single time she was worshiping God and he asked her how she did it. And she told him that when she has a great time with the Lord, she never says, "God, give me what I experienced last time." but instead she prays, "God, you are a creator. Would you create something new this time as I worship you so that I can experience you in a completely different intimate way?" And I was so encouraged to hear that and decided to pray that every single time I read the bible and prayed. When Matthew 7:7 talks about "“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you," I don't think God was talking about materialistic things like asking for a new Audi R8 and you will get it, but instead asking for the Heavenly thing, the spiritual gifts, or the Kingdom minded things that will glorify God. Asking for a whole new encounter with Him. Asking for spiritual gifts. Asking for fruit of the spirit. Asking for the power to love or the power to understand God's love in a deeper way. And I'm telling you right now that I've been experiencing the answer to my prayer about encountering God in a whole new way every single time I opened the Word and prayed since I've been here in Indiana. It's absolutely amazing. And I believe that He'll answer you too as you ask, seek, and knock on His door. Happy Friday! :)